i nearly lost me there

after an extended sequence of existential crises, i hope to have put some of that shit behind me. i've come to the realization that law school is going to blow regardless of how much work i do. that's just the way it is. but the fact that it blows can't stop me from getting through. it might not be easy, but it really can't be that impossible. a good law school buddy of mine today could not stop from repeating the phrase "law school is FUCKED UP". and he's right, of course. and sometimes it seems so fucked up that there is really nothing else one can say about it. i understood how he was feeling and it was comforting to know a true peer had the same feeling: law school is super fucked up, and if we knew it was gonna be like this, we never would have shown up. but we did. and there is no going back now. nick put it really well on the phone tonight, the only time worth bailing on this is when my life is at stake. and it won't be. but to return for a moment for the fucked up-ness of the whole thing, the problem is that they put you with like sixty people, and most people are confined within that social contact. and then they make you compete with your friends, hardcore. with one be all end all exam at the end of the semester. and that is fucked up. leads to a very high school atmosphere in a lot of ways. the good news is that i've made at least one good move in living where i do; apart from where most of my colleagues reside. i've had the opportunity to make friends who have nothing to do with law school, and i already had the advantage of having my sister here, and the people in her cohort who are really nice to me and don't give a fuck that i don't go to penn. the sum of all this is that i'm starting to come around to the fact that whether i like it or not, i'm in for the long haul, so might as well make the best of it. rumors abound that the first year is the worst. things can always improve.
unfortunately the job issue just won't go away. i've done a decent amount of looking around, including via metafilter (thanks erin!), which brought into relief a really important point. like many others, i fell prey to the claim that "there are a million things you can do with a law degree!", but it turns out that out of those million things about roughly 999991 of them can be done without a law degree, you just happen to have one if you do it. but that doesn't matter now, because i have accepted the fact that i am going to get this degree with a booby prize of shitty debt. the good news in that regard is that i don't have undergrad debt, so i should really quit bitching and suck it up. if i have the same amount of debt as the run of the mill private institution bachelor's degree holder when i get a jd, then fuck it. can't hurt. who knows, maybe there is some lawyerly job out there that won't make me want to gouge out my eyes and excise my gonads. but my job fantasy of the day is to get into journalism. i really love the writing i get a chance to do here, and i am actually proud of a lot of the shit i got to write in undergrad where i got to work beyond the menial dutiful obligations it inheres. legal writing is fucking stupid and stunningly particularized, but it is helpful for developing a host of different analytical and stylistic skills. i have no idea how it could work out, but mostly i just find it comforting that something may be out there somewhere. there is still such a stunning array of bridges to be crossed that i just don't know what will happen. but honestly, i really feel like i have made some peace with where i sit at this moment. it was really really tough to make it even to this point though, so i guess we'll see what happens. i want to get into intellectual property stuff and see how i find it. could lead to whatever.
i got to talk to a buddy of mine from my old job today, which offered a lot of food for thought. he doesn't even have his bachelor's yet (he's almost there) and has probably been working there for just shy of two years now, and he scored a badass promotion at the other office on the other side of town. i'm really happy for him and i think he is the right kind of person to be doing what he will be doing, but the whole thing gave me pause, as i had as much time in at the company when i left as he does now. i never jockeyed for position there, but this sort of thing makes me wonder how it could have been if i had. i had a bachelor's, the key to climbing the ladder there. but i also had the wrong look and the wrong attitude of this is not where i'm going to be very long. he'll be great, and although i don't doubt my ability to do many of the sorts of better paying and higher ranking jobs at the place, my distaste of the corporate culture would have made it really tough. the problem is that this is an ironic claim on my part at the point where my job prospects largely drive me towards similar cultures. but i'm glad i'm not in that specific mix. the best part is that this guy i used to work with will be in charge of the wagon, who, like me, is working this job with an eye on further education outside of the region. i don't think the wagon reads this blog, but if you do and you talk to him, at least admonish him not to go to law school. he is too good of a person for it. if i had my druthers i would totally pay his tuition to go doctoral on they ass. i've also begun to accept the fact that i most likely never get a doctorate of my own, and will therefore probably never do the only job i've ever really wanted to do: teach college. i guess i'm better off than the athlete who realizes they will never be drafted into a professional league, but the disappointment and requisite questions are still palpable. like i said before, the most honorable lawyerly jobs are beyond the scope of responsibility i would be comfortable handling. but once again, i need to remind myself to wait and see.
i don't really have anything to report from the non law school aspects of my life, sorry about that. today has been quite an exercise in adopting appropriate mental stance. there is a strong temptation to drop out of the world and not live to potential, but exactly what that means and how it will play out i must reserve judgment on. for now, living to potential means getting through this bullshit, and for the time being i feel like that is something i can do. from there, who knows? the fact that it is all so far off is both scary and comforting. i need to learn to appreciate the good things about my existence and not hate myself for putting me in the situation i am in or any other reason. that's tough, but it is simply not helpful to exclusively bear ill will toward oneself.
i want to talk about music as always, but try and not go on about the same bands as always. don't worry dekkinga, you didn't make me feel that bad about the dan, i know that you just need to listen to more. and the back forty is the back forty, if you're gonna check it out you will and probably have by now. so today's band is built to spill, because i don't think i've ever professed the high regard in which i hold them. they are the cream of the indie crop for me. they've been around long enough to go through the phase of being darlings and haven't wavered through mandatory indie band lineup changes, i dig what they do and especially that they know what it is they do. i don't feel like they're repetitive while maintaining a particular style. i really hope i get to see them some time. they make music i can listen to while in a variety of moods, which i think is difficult of a focused band to do. they also apparently put on a hell of a live show, which is enough to get me to go see any band. i was playing a show of theirs from a couple of months back earlier with a really interesting piece of banter. doug (? lead dude) gives a shout out to the opening band and talks about how glad they were to get a chance to play with them and all that and then mentions that this band is kind of dicks, but it is okay because they're good. can't believe i've never managed to see wilco, almost as much as i can't believe they played pittsburgh and not philly this tour. i really wanted to see drive by truckers as well, and they played fucking state college and not here. on the other hand they played here right before i moved this way. unfortunately i haven't gone to a show since tea leaf green; i found out stinking lizavetta played close by like the day after they did so. i'll catch those folks sometime; this is their home base. i did get to see them open for the mighty c! once, and it was a damn good time; i can only imagine how they throw down with a full set in their home town. doom jazz? that's what they call it. all i know is they're a trio (almost always dig-able) with a stand-up bass (hell yeah) and the guitarist likes to make use of his teeth in playing (right on). good to know that. good to know that i have pretty baby kittens. good to have people call me sometimes. hopefully it is good enough to get me through. allow me to point out just one more time that time will tell.