readin' and briefin'

in a drunken state, and i'll be briefin' my cases from here to hell's gate. well, i don't know about all that and i usually wait to drink until after briefing is finished, but sometimes i wonder if some things would make more sense if i didn't wait. is it worse to recognize psychological cycles than to simply endure them unknowingly? because i've only been at this thing for a couple months but it already seems to have a definite pattern swing between despair and confidence with the same detours and incidentals along the way. i guess it would be better if at the peak i actually liked what i was doing or thought that it was a means to a particular desired end. if lawyering is anything like law school, no amount of money would be sufficient to keep me doing this kind of shit. i'm sure there are significant differences; i just wonder how strong the commonalities are. all of which begs the question of why, if i wouldn't be compensated to go through something like this, would i pay someone else to put me through it? sheer masochism? i don't think so. no, the issue here is that i didn't fully grasp what i was signing up for, and that's my bad. i have come to the realization that i am psychologically incapable of walking away at this point. my notions of how other people would perceive it if i did quit play a role, but i think really that is mostly me projecting my own feelings outside of myself. i could not continue to exist as a similar person, and so rather than endure that pain i stick with what i've got. and that is the only viable option at this point; i don't have any great ideas about what else i should be doing to further myself. one of the most important things i have learned, to put it simply, is how the smallest parts of our personal realities are dictated by possibilities we can and cannot think for a wide variety of reasons. i feel like this is a reality i have some how consciously foreclosed to myself, which is an odd result because normally if something can't be real-ized by an individual it is because they literally cannot think it. i've thought about saying fuck it all, but i really do not believe i could do that without widespread ramifications to my own personhood.
blah, blah, what a load of shit. i don't know why i'm not deleting it.
especially since i now typed it over a day ago. oh well. i still hate law school, but let's have some good news. i had a go in the proverbial hot seat (no, not keyboardist for the dead) in torts the other day. i didn't think much of it other than the fact that my stay was rather extended. i felt alright about it. but a lot of people commented to me later that i had handed it to the prof. i still don't know about all that, but i will say that it felt really good to hear other people have nice things to say. it doesn't really matter what they think and it is kind of pathetic to care, but i can't help it for some things. a good chunk of my identity involves other people regarding me as intelligent (which probably relates to the psychological inability of not finishing this hell ride i attempted to articulate above and my perceived need for academic forays that led me to where i am now) and landing someplace where people do not know anything about me except how i look made me more insecure than usual. thus, this was a welcome experience. but that was a week ago, and life moves fast. torts today brought a practice exam. i feel pretty damn decent about it, but the level of feedback to be expected is unclear, ranging from "ungraded" to "check, check plus, check minus, maybe a 'see me' if there is some issue requiring particular discussion.." well whatever. i wrote it; it's done with now.
i'm worried that i am getting old. over the weekend a got a call from my brother when i was in bed and he was having a hell of a good time in chicago. the hour difference is one thing, but he called me again at like four something my time (didn't pick that one up). it is one thing to be asleep when someone calls and miss it, it is another to be lying awake in bed when the phone rings. well, i guess it was just one night. and i'm glad he was having a good time seeing one of my favorite bands for his first time. he was probably the happiest person in the whole crowd; only one digging the opener (clutch) and the headliner (coheed and cambria). no one has offered a satisfactory logical explanation for this touring combo. in fact, the snack food known as combos is probably better thought out, with more pleasure per penny perhaps. by the time the tour makes it to philly i'll probably need to save that thirty bucks i could spend on a ticket to buy enough peanut butter and bread to feed myself for exams. which means i'll have no booze money during exams, which means i will undoubtedly lose my mind. whoever visits me in the institution first can have my records; they're not gonna let me out.
cash concerns coupled with other logistical problematics kept me from making it to the railroad earth show this past weekend. it was at some venue that has, like many places throughout the country, become "the fillmore". i want to know why the fuck that happened, and if bill graham is rolling in his grave. i wonder if his estate had a claim on the name. it just seems ridiculous to call venues in denver and detroit "the fillmore". what's next, a winterland in indianapolis and orlando? the greek theater at bowling green university? i would really like to see the marketing data regarding the name change for all these venues now calling themselves the fillmore. i would suspect that it hasn't made a huge difference just yet, but i'd be very curious if it does have an effect over the long term. someone probably got paid for that shit, and i would wager clear channel fits in there some place too (did they just get bought by something else?). anyway, railroad earth is a solid band, look into that. as with just about any band i get into, they have copious offerings on the live music archive. they usually get sold a little short as a bluegrass band, because that is the backbone of what they do, but i see them as an americana kind of act because they work in a lot of other stuff as well. think old wilco with bluegrass instead of country as a springboard. speaking of which, i still can't get enough of this uncle tupelo show. in the tradition of admonishing people to download things they won't, this show has been on etree forever and still has like seven seeders; you could probably download it in fairly short order. the sound is incredible, direct into a dat from the soundboard. i still don't always follow all of the notations in a show's (spell check marks a possessive for show?!) recording and conversion, but i can tell you that much.
picked up a new beer today, really hoppy amber from magic hat, called roxy something, don't have the bottle at hand. damn good. this is the second amber/ipa love child i've come across, and i hope the trend continues. troegs makes the other one i've had, hop nectar or something like that. the nice thing is that rather than just getting bashed in the mouth with cascade grapefruit, the hops not only seem to be better thought out, but the malty character inherent in amber stylings (spell check also does not think that is a word, but will accept the singular) provides a more nuanced and satisfying balance to big league hops.
so after much badgering from one of the few people i would let get away with it combined with other purported benefits i have attempted to sign up for the face book. i have not been successful just yet. is that shit really gonna shake my real name out of me? i'm more leery than a reader's digest subscribing senior citizen about putting my name on the internet. it will probably be just one more reason why i'll never get a decent job. i go through enough effort being vague on here, in my backwater corner of the interweb (spell check still marks that, but for how long?).
speaking of jobs, as always... i attended a "panel discussion" of pathways to a career in international law today. it was comforting to see the diversity of approaches people could take, but on the other hand it was just some people talking about what they do. and what they do is pretty sweet and all that, but knowing what someone else does for a living doesn't really help anyone else get a job. (break time) awwww dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip boom boom boom boom boom boom get a job, sha na na na, sha na na na na na na. still the best of doo-wop if you ask me. (spell check marks doo but not wop; is that the spelling for the ethnic slur against italians? doesn't mark whop either... or any other racial epithets i tried, apparently they don't need capitalization). anyway, illustration has no inherent value to others. my only conclusion was that the turkish woman was smoking hot, confirmed even by a good straight female peer. and there was free pizza. was poppin' some pills and all the alcohol was free (gratis? oo, also not marked by spell check). wait, that last part is not true. would that it were. they owe me at this point. fuck free ipods, schools should give out free psychoactive compounds as part of scholarship packages. "we are pleased to offer you the leary fellowship, full tuition and ten thousand mics of bear's finest" until then, i guess i'll compile my resume as a set list theorist and hope for the best.